Anger

Anger

1. What is Anger?

Anger is a normal, healthy human emotion that everyone experiences at times. It can arise from various situations, such as feeling treated unfairly, dealing with difficult life experiences, or coping with other emotions like fear or embarrassment. Sometimes, people may not even know why they feel angry, which is perfectly normal.

Helpful Aspects of Anger

Anger can be beneficial in several ways:

• It helps us identify problems.
• It protects us from harm.
• It can energize and focus us.
• It motivates us to advocate for change or help others.
• It helps us challenge injustice or discrimination.
• It aids in self-defense by providing a burst of energy in response to threats.

Unhelpful Aspects of Anger

However, anger can also be challenging to manage and may cause problems, such as:

• Distracting us from tasks.
• Leading to regrettable actions or words.
• Hindering clear and calm communication.
• Causing conflicts with others.
• Inducing guilt and shame.
• Masking other emotions.
• Impairing self-care and self-esteem.
• Affecting physical health and sleep.
• Leading to negative judgments from others.

When is Anger a Problem?

Anger may become problematic if:

• It feels uncontrollable.
• It leads to harmful or abusive behaviour.
• It negatively impacts relationships, work, or daily life.
• It frequently frightens or upsets others.
• It dominates your thoughts or makes you feel worse about yourself.
• It blocks other emotions.
• It results in memory blackouts during angry episodes.
• It prompts substance abuse as a coping mechanism.

Managing Anger

While we cannot eliminate anger, learning to recognize, express, and manage it can significantly improve our mental health. If anger is becoming a problem, seeking treatment and support is crucial, especially if it poses a risk to oneself or others.

1. What Does Anger Feel Like?

Anger feels different for everyone, and you might experience some or all of the following symptoms:

Effects on Your Body

• Uncomfortable or churning feeling in your stomach
• Tightness in your chest
• Rapid or increased heartbeat
• Weak legs
• Tense muscles
• Feeling hot
• Urge to go to the toilet
• Sweating
• Headaches or tension in your head or eyes
• Shaking or trembling
• Dizziness
• Grinding your teeth

Effects on Your Mind

You might feel:

• Tense, nervous, or unable to relax
• Guilty
• Resentful towards people or situations
• Easily irritated
• Overwhelmed
• Out of control
• Like a ‘red mist’ is coming over you or you’re ‘seeing red’
• Humiliated
• As if there’s a “ball of fire” in your chest that bursts out and hurts those around you

How You Might Act

How you express anger depends on how you identify and cope with your feelings. Everyone expresses anger differently, such as:

• Outward aggression: Shouting, swearing, slamming doors, hitting or throwing things, being physically violent, threatening others, or being verbally abusive.
• Inward aggression: Telling yourself you hate yourself, denying basic needs (like food or sleep), avoiding things that might make you happy, isolating yourself, or self-harming.
• Non-violent or passive aggression: Ignoring people, refusing to speak, suggesting you might leave or hurt yourself, refusing tasks, doing tasks poorly or late, or being sarcastic or indirectly unkind.

Recognizing these signs can help you manage your anger. It’s difficult to control anger in the moment, but noticing how you feel early on can help.

Anger and Stigma

Expression of emotions varies based on culture, personality, upbringing, and other factors. Misunderstanding can lead to judgment about how we express anger, sometimes resulting in negative stereotypes and harsh judgments due to racism, sexism, or other biases. This might make you feel pressured to suppress your anger or worry about being blamed or judged, leading to frustration and upset, especially if it affects your life, job, or relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and respect.

1. Why Do I Get Angry?

Anger can arise for various reasons, influenced by different factors in your life. Understanding these can help you manage and cope with your emotions more effectively.

Possible Causes of Anger

1. Difficult Situations:
   • Current Circumstances: Stressful events, bereavement, discrimination, or distressing events in news can provoke anger.
   • Health and Wellbeing: Hormonal changes, physical pain, mental health issues, and general well-being (sleep, diet, exercise) impact how you feel and manage emotions.
2. Past Experiences:
   • Childhood and Upbringing: The way you were taught to handle anger as a child affects your adult reactions. If you learned to suppress or explosively express anger, these patterns might persist.
   • Trauma: Past abuse, trauma, racism, or bullying can trigger strong reactions to present situations.
3. Interpretation of Situations:
   • Perception: People interpret situations differently. What angers you might not affect others the same way, but this doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid.

Influences on Anger

• Childhood Messages: Messages received about anger as a child influence adult behaviour. If you were taught that expressing anger is wrong or witnessed uncontrolled anger, you might struggle with your own anger.
• Coping Mechanisms: Learning healthy ways to manage anger, rather than suppressing or exploding, can help.
• Stressors: Current stressors and life pressures can make anger more frequent or intense.

Managing Anger

• Awareness: Recognizing triggers and understanding the root causes of your anger can help you respond more calmly.
• Healthy Expression: Finding safe ways to express anger, like talking about your feelings or engaging in physical activity, can prevent harmful outbursts.

Impact on Daily Life

• Personal Relationships: Unmanaged anger can harm relationships and lead to feelings of guilt and shame.
• Mental Health: Anger affects and is affected by your mental health. Tracking symptoms and finding patterns, such as links to hormonal cycles, can offer insights into managing your emotions better.

Seeking Support

• Professional Help: Therapists and support groups can provide strategies to handle anger.
• Resources: Websites and organizations offer guidance on managing anger and dealing with stress, bereavement, and discrimination.

Understanding why you get angry and learning healthy coping mechanisms can help you manage your emotions and improve your overall well-being.

1. What Can I Do to Manage My Anger?

Managing anger can be challenging, especially when it feels overwhelming. Here are some strategies to help you manage anger effectively:

Immediate Strategies for Managing Anger

1. Delay Your Reaction:
   • Acknowledge your anger without trying to justify or explain it. Simply thinking, “I’m feeling really angry right now,” can help.
   • Remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk, change rooms, or log off if it’s an online issue.
   • Use a code word to signal that you need time to cool down, either to others or to yourself.
   • Ground yourself by listing five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.
   • Focus on your breath, breathing slowly and deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth.
   • Use a grounding object like a marble or a piece of fabric to focus on.
   • Keep notes on your phone with reminders on how to manage your anger.
2. Distract and Calm Yourself:
   • Find activities that change your thoughts or patterns. Experiment to see what works best for you.
   • Relax your body by tensing and then relaxing each muscle group.
   • Practice mindfulness techniques to be aware of your anger and calm your mind.
   • Avoid rumination, which is unhelpful in the moment. Remember, you don’t need to solve or justify your anger immediately.
   • Take a cold shower or run cold water on your hands and face.
   • Talk to a trusted person not connected to the situation or use helplines like the Samaritans.
   • Use up your energy safely by tearing paper, hitting a pillow, or smashing ice cubes.
   • Engage in physical activity, like running or boxing, or dance to upbeat music.
   • Do something with your hands, like fixing or making something, or engage in creative activities like drawing or colouring.
   • Express your anger through writing or art, then rip up or delete the notes afterwards.
   • Spend time in nature to reduce stress and anger.

Long-Term Strategies for Managing Anger

• Exercise and Music: Regular physical activity and listening to music can help release pent-up energy and reduce anger.
• Journaling: Keeping a diary to write down your thoughts and feelings can help process your emotions.
• Mindfulness and Relaxation: Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques regularly to stay aware of your emotions and calm your mind.
• Problem-Solving: Focus on dealing with one problem at a time to prevent feeling overwhelmed.

Seeking Professional Help

If your anger leads to violent or abusive behaviour, it’s crucial to seek professional treatment and support. Unmanaged anger can seriously harm your relationships and well-being.

Be Patient with Yourself

Learning to manage anger takes time and practice. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you develop these new skills.

• How Can I Manage My Anger Long Term?

Managing anger over the long term involves developing strategies and habits that help you stay calm and in control, even when provoked. Here are some effective approaches:

1. Look Out for Warning Signs

Recognizing the physical signs of anger can help you manage it before it escalates:

• Increased heart rate
• Faster breathing
• Tense muscles
• Clenched jaw or fists

Being aware of these signs allows you to take steps to calm down before reacting.

Example: Breathing techniques have helped me control my anger. By focusing on my breath, I can redirect my attention away from my anger.

2. Learn Your Triggers

Identifying what triggers your anger can help you prepare and respond better:

• Keep a diary of situations that make you angry.
• Note what happened, how you felt, how you acted, and how you felt afterward.

This practice can reveal patterns and help you develop strategies to cope.

Example: Over time, I have identified certain triggers, which enables me to choose a healthier response.

3. Examine Your Thought Patterns

Changing how you think about situations can reduce anger:

• Avoid absolute terms like “always” or “never.”
• Use softer terms like “sometimes” or “could.”
• Acknowledge and accept your emotions without justification.

Example: The best advice I received was to pause when angry and identify the underlying emotions. Compassion for my own pain often prevents me from taking it out on others.

4. Develop Your Communication Skills

Communicating assertively, not aggressively, can improve interactions:

• Focus on the outcome you want.
• Be specific and use “I feel” statements to avoid blame.
• Listen to others and understand their perspective.

Example: Acknowledging my feelings and discussing them productively has helped me manage my anger.

5. Look at Your Lifestyle

Maintaining overall wellbeing can help you manage anger more effectively:

• Substance Use: Avoid drugs and alcohol, which can impair emotional control.
• Physical Activity: Exercise can relieve tension and improve self-esteem.
• Sleep: Good sleep is crucial for emotional regulation.
• Diet: Healthy eating habits support better mood control.
• Stress Management: Learn techniques to handle stress, which can reduce anger.

Example: Exercise is the best thing to manage my anger. It transforms my mood!

6. Take Action

Channeling your anger into positive actions can be empowering:

• Community Involvement: Join local campaigns or volunteer groups to work for positive change.
• Advocacy: Support charities or campaign groups, and participate in local decisions.
• Share Your Story: Sharing your experiences can help others and foster change.

Example: Directing my anger into community projects has given me a sense of purpose and helped me use my anger constructively.

Be Patient with Yourself

Developing new techniques to manage anger takes time and practice. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn and implement these strategies.

• What Help is Available for Anger?

Various treatments and resources are available to help manage anger. Here are some options:

1. Talking Therapies and Counselling

Talking therapies involve discussing your problems with a trained professional to explore the causes of your anger and develop strategies to manage it. Different types of talking therapies include:

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): A structured, short-term therapy that examines how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours affect each other. CBT is often available on the NHS, and self-help resources are also accessible.
• Counselling: Focuses on specific issues, such as anger outbursts, helping you understand and manage these situations.
• Psychodynamic Therapy: A deeper, long-term therapy that explores past experiences to understand current anger issues.

Example: Talking about my anger over the years has helped me immensely by preventing me from bottling up my feelings.

2. Accessing Treatments for Anger

To access treatments, you can:

• Talk to your GP, who can refer you to appropriate services.
• Explore free or low-cost counselling services offered by workplaces, educational institutions, and local charities.
• Search for private therapists although this can be expensive. Some therapists offer sliding scale payments based on your circumstances.

Example: I get frustrated when I don’t receive the help I need, which worsens my mental health. It’s important to persist in seeking support.

3. Anger Management Programmes

These are specialized talking therapies for those who struggle with anger, often involving group or one-on-one sessions combining counselling and CBT techniques. Options include:

• Anger Management Courses: Ask your doctor about local services available.
• Online Self-Help: Various organizations provide online guides for managing anger.

4. Help for Abusive and Violent Behaviour

If your anger leads to abusive or violent actions, seeking help is crucial:

• Your family doctor or psychiatrist: They can discuss your options and refer you to a therapist.

Additional Resources

• Mental Health and Trauma: If your anger is linked to mental health issues or past trauma, treatment for these conditions may also address your anger. Explore treatments and support options for different diagnoses and experiences through mental health resources.

Final Thoughts

Managing anger takes time and persistence. It’s important to seek help and continue working on strategies to improve your emotional responses. Support is available through various channels, and with the right approach, you can learn to manage your anger effectively.

• How Can I Support Someone Who is Experiencing Anger?

Supporting someone with anger issues can be challenging, especially if their anger is directed at you or others. Here are some strategies to help:

1. Stay Calm

Remain calm to prevent anger from escalating. Although it’s difficult, staying composed can help de-escalate the situation.

2. Listen Without Judgement

Allow them to express their feelings without judgment. When people feel listened to, they are often more receptive to other perspectives.

3. Give Them Space

If the situation is getting worse, suggest taking a break. Giving both of you time to cool down can prevent further escalation.

4. Set Boundaries

Clearly define acceptable behaviour and set limits. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries to ensure your safety and well-being.

5. Identify Triggers

When both of you are calm, discuss what triggers their anger. This can help you both avoid or manage these situations better.

6. Encourage Professional Help

Support them in seeking professional help, such as therapy or anger management courses. Help them research options and arrange appointments if needed.

7. Take Care of Yourself

Supporting someone else can be taxing. Ensure you’re looking after your own mental and physical well-being.

Example: “The worst thing is for people to tell me to calm down or say that whatever caused my anger doesn’t matter. People listening and accepting my feelings (even if my anger seems unprecedented) helps the most.”

Dealing with Abusive or Violent Behaviour

Anger doesn’t always lead to violence, but if it does, prioritize your safety.

1. Avoid Confrontation

Don’t confront them during an aggressive episode. Wait until they have calmed down.

2. Make a Safety Plan

Prepare a plan that includes emergency contacts, safe places to go, and how to quickly access money, a phone, and transport.

3. Seek Support

• Women at Risk International Foundation (WARIF) Helpline: If you’re a rape victim or experienced sexual assault, please text or call (+234)-8009-210-0009 or send email to warifng.org
• Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA)– safeguards survivors of domestic and sexual violence, collaborate with professionals working to gender-based violence and violence against men (hidden crime)

Example: “I need my family to speak to me honestly but remain understanding. We have code words that we all can use when I’m either being unreasonable or when I feel like I might lash out.”

If They Don’t Recognize the Problem

If the person doesn’t acknowledge their anger issues, it can be frustrating and distressing. Remember, they are responsible for their own actions, and there are limits to what you can do.